What to Do in Irvine: A Survival Guide to Beige Suburbia

Hold back your sighs. My next show on the Dim the Lights tour is in glamorous Irvine, California (yes, tickets are still available). Naturally, my inbox is flooded with a single burning question: “Jackie, what the fuck can you even do in Irvine?” And to that I say: first of all, bless your optimism lol. Second of all, what isn’t there to do in Irvine? Spoiler alert: most things. 

Irvine is basically like the Stepford Wives met a chubby corporate real estate developer and birthed a beige utopia. It’s clean. It’s safe. It has HOA rules stricter than the fucking Vatican. And while people (students, families, broken people) do travel here, most of them are really just looking for an excuse to leave asap.

Even people from Irvine want to escape the death grip of Irvine. But if you happen to be stuck here for a couple hours awaiting my show, and you’re tired of slugging martinis at your hotel bar, I have heroically curated a list of things you can do. Aside from crying and clawing to escape, obviously.

What to Do in Irvine: A Survival Guide to Beige Suburbia

Okay, fine. You’re sadly here, and you have two hours to kill. You’ve already visited the local Target a million times and my show isn’t close to starting, so what now? As a suburbian queen myself, the Toodling Princess, my biggest tip is to lean into the suburbia of it all. LEAN IN. Here’s what passes for “fun” in Irvine:

Irvine Spectrum Center

If there’s one thing you should actually do on the list, it’s this. The Irvine Spectrum Center is basically the mothership of suburban Orange Country. It’s an outdoor mall with a giant Ferris wheel, Cheesecake Factory, and all the shopping you could do literally anywhere else in America. It’s the Topanga Mall’s ugly cousin, and it’s probably where you’ll find me before the show. But hey, if you’ve ever wanted to eat Panda Express al fresco while watching teenagers make TikToks? This is your spot.

Tanaka Farms

Nothing like a wholesome activity for the kiddos!!! This is where you can go if you’ve ever thought, “You know what would really elevate my vacation? A wagon ride through kale.” Tanaka Farms is essentially a working farm where you can pick strawberries, meet pet goats, and pretend you’re Nara Smith living the organic homemaker farm fantasy. (Seriously, how the fuck does she find the time?)

Great Park

The Great Park is Irvine’s one and only desperate attempt at being “quirky.” It has a giant hot air balloon that takes you up to look at… wait for it… Irvine. Think of it as paying money to hover over a shitty, crusty ass parking lot.

Fuck all the way off at a Homegoods

In my professional experience, the more random the location, the better the HomeGoods, and what’s more random than Irvine. I’ll probably be at this one pre-show to decompress, but if there are Diptyque candles and anyone else takes them before I get there I’ll claw your eyes out.

Pretend City

More fahmily friendly fun!!! Pretend City is a children’s museum where kids can play adults for the day. Honestly, Irvine itself feels like one big Pretend City. But if you brought your demon spawn along, you can drop them here to “work” while you cry in the Starbucks parking lot.

DRINK.

If you’re coming to the show, for the love of God, please pregame. Hive & Honey is a cute little rooftop bar right by the venue. Go get yourself a martini, or 6.

How Far Is Irvine, CA, from Los Angeles?

Los Angeles is basically the cooler, hotter older sibling. Irvine is that super weird cousin. You know, the one that wears cargo shorts and brings a veggie tray to all the parties and calls it “crudités”.

Irvine is about 40 miles from LA. Depending on traffic (which is like Russian Roulette but with brake lights), you’re looking at anywhere from 45 minutes to 12 hours in the car. Which means the best answer to “what to do in Irvine” is, you guessed it—drive to Los Angeles. But wait, here’s the ONLY good news: It’s also another stop on my tour. 

So, if you hate yourself enough to stay in Irvine, at least promise me you’ll balance the scales and join me for a night in LA.

What Airport Is Closest to Irvine, CA?

If you’re flying in, you totally have options. Like first of all, maybe don’t do that. Kidding (only partially), of course. The closest airport to Irvine is John Wayne Airport (SNA), just 4 miles away. You could even rollerblade there if you’re having a midlife crisis! But because this is Orange County, and God forbid you have one convenient option, you can also fly into LAX (Los Angeles International), about 40 miles away. 

Long Beach Airport (LGB) is also 20 miles away. Or if you’re cheap, masochistic, and totally hate yourself, there’s also Ontario International Airport (ONT) or San Diego International Airport (SAN). But that’s like choosing to fly into France when you’re visiting Spain. Stupid and pointless.

In the end, it’s just about surviving Irvine.

So there you have it! Your definitive list of what to do in Irvine. Spoiler alert: it’s mostly “leave.” But if you must stay, lean into the suburban fantasy and eat somewhere cutesy and InStAgRaMmAbLe. 

Then, for the love of all that is holy, rally your spirits, jump in your shitty little Honda, and fuck off to Los Angeles. That’s where the real action (and my better shows) are happening. If you can’t make it to my show, that’s your own fault. BUT, you can still say up to date with all my shit talking on The Bitch Bible Podcast.