8 Fall Decor Ideas from Me, Jacquie!

The leaves are falling, the air is chillier, and Off-Brand October is in full swing. And the spirit of the season, I’m giving the girlies what they want. We’re talking tiny pumpkins, fluffy throw blankets, and the toxic candles. Jacquie is your fairy godmother here to bippity boppity boop your house into an autumnal masterpiece!

Let’s be real–fall decorating is an absolute fucking shitshow. Pinterest is a dumpster fire. Instagram is a lie. And almond moms? Don’t even get me started. They’ll judge your living room for not having exactly three pumpkins in a Fibonacci sequence. Suddenly, your house is less autumn vibes and more suburban tragedy.

It’s so easy to throw in one too many wreaths (or any wreaths at all) and have your home go from fall chic to broken, but done right, decorating for fall can be the perfect way to welcome the season. You can set the scene and make your house look like you have your shit together. Even if your demon seed (aka my boyfriend) is screaming because I didn’t give him the pumpkin-shaped cookie he demanded. 

But I’m doing this for you, you ungrateful bitch. This is your round-up of fall decor ideas that actually work, because I can’t emotionally recover from another “modern rustic” living room drowning in overhead lighting and an overload of brass accents. If you want my full rant, go listen to my episode, “Not Warm, Not Cool.” Seriously, it matters, and I need everyone to get their shit together.

8 Fall Decor Ideas for People Who Hate Effort

This blog post is basically your cheat sheet for setting the scene. Expect an APPROPRIATE amount of small pumpkins, layered textures, focal points, and just enough chaos to make you feel alive. You’ll also get lighting tips that won’t murder your soul, ways to make every corner a “look at me” moment, and little details that scream effort without actually requiring more than 10 minutes of your time.

When to Decorate for Fall

Honestly? Anytime starting from mid-September. The moment you start waiting for October, the pumpkins are gone, your front door looks sad, and all the Starbucks mommies are being bitches on their morning lycra-fuelled walks. At the start of or just before fall is the perfect time to start setting the scene. Front porch decor, living room, fall table, all of it.

Start small if you need to. One vignette at a time—you can always layer in more later. Trust me, it’s a lot less chaotic than trying to do everything at once.

How to Decorate for Fall Without Fucking Up

Front Porch

Your front porch is generally the first impression people get of your soul, whether you like it or not. Small pumpkins, a tasteful doormat maybe with a pattern (no cursive writing), and a lantern or two. You want to make it approachable but lowkey intimidating. Home Goods is your best friend here. Layer a blanket over a chair, maybe add a faux fur pillow. Don’t go crazy – small touches go a long way.

And lighting, baby. Overhead lights are disgusting. Use lanterns or string lights instead, so it doesn’t feel like a morgue. This is your focal point. People are judging. Let them choke on their Pumpkin Spice Lattes.

Living Room

Chunky throw, plaid pillows, and a bigass Diptyque candle—that’s the shit I like. You want it to be cozy, intentional, with a touch of chaos so it doesn’t look like you tried TOO hard. And all you really need for the coffee table is some stacked books and a couple candles (mix up the sizes so you get some height variation)—it’s like a Pinterest picture with half the effort. 

The goal is a layout that looks effortless but actually takes zero of your energy. Just don’t let your demon seed out to destroy the throw blanket before you snap a pic for InStAgRaM. 

Fall Table

Candles, garland, pumpkins, and unlacquered brass (lemme say it again for the cheap seats—ALWAYS unlacquered). Focal point: check. Guests? Impressed. You sip a martini like a fucking domestic goddess. Make the asymmetry intentional, mix colors and textures, and leave room for wine glasses. Spilling cabernet on your pumpkin-spice dreams is a fucking tragedy.

Front Door

You’re allowed 5 pumpkins max, and that’s only if you have steps to layer them. Add a cheeky sign if you’re trying to be QuIrKy. Actually, no, I take that back. If it says some shit like, “Pumpkin Kisses and Harvest Wishes,” leave it in storage. Anyway, layer elements like lanterns, rugs, and blankets. Make your front porch and front door look like they’re straight out of an ad. Suddenly, the almond moms will be passing around photos of your house as inspiration. But for god’s sake, leave the wreath at Michael’s. Nothing screams broken more than a festive door wreath.

Layered Lighting

Warm lights only. Overhead lights are evil. Lamps, lanterns, candles are the literal only lightsources I approve of, unless someone is dying. Maybe a little sconce if you’re nasty. Then you can turn the overhead on. Otherwise, always choose cozy over cold ass morgue vibes. Layer light sources like table lamps and a candle on the mantle. Warm, welcoming, and just enough to hide the Verkakte corners Handy Andy left.

Small Details, Big Impact

News flash: you don’t have to shove a tiny pumpkins in every nook and cranny of your home for it to feel like fall. And if I see a fall-scented soap from Bath and Body Works I’m calling the cops. There are plenty of ways to get the fall feel without going kitsch. Find a touch of gold leaf, buy a burnt orange vase, or a quirky little figurine. It’s about giving off a fall vibe without being so on the nose.

Texture

Never, ever, ever, ever, EVER, forget texture. It’s literally everything. Boulcé pillows, knit throws, fluted glass, use what you can. Touch it. Squeeze it. Hey, maybe even throw it at your husband for fun. Mix soft and hard, rough and smooth—your space should feel like a cozy fever dream, not a showroom.

Pop of Color

You don’t want to skip the color. Yes, you don’t want it to look like a unicorn vomited in here. But you also don’t want it to (again) look like a morgue. Burnt orange, mustard, and deep red will add a pop without overwhelming everything. And even a little chartreuse never hurt anyone.

Now, let’s all pretend we’re beige moms with a seasonal budget!

Alright, that’s it. Front porch, fall table, living room: check! Toss a few (emphasis on a FEW) small pumpkins in corners. Light a fucking candle. Shake a martini. Enjoy the illusion that you’re getting your life together.

If you finally felt seen in this post, come hear more of my shitty opinions on The Jackie Schimmel Tour. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll probably come home offended. I don’t care—show up and enjoy the ride.